I know that MLB scouts are now scouring the world for athletes who may be able to be developed into baseball prospects. They’re even going to places that have never been, and never will be, hotbeds of the sport. As witness the fact that the Pittsburgh Pirates recently signed two 20-year-olds from India who’ve never played baseball, but won some Indian reality TV contest called “Million Dollar Arm,” to free agent contracts. Sounds crazy, but as we’ve seen from the Monopoly money thrown at free agent pitchers of modest achievements and dubious durability, there are never enough good arms to go around.

So, in my own attempt at world peace and ecumenism, may I suggest that some MLB team give a tryout to the Iraqi news reporter who threw not one, but two shoes at outgoing President Dubya at a photo-op, goodbye tour presser last weekend. As anyone who’s seen the video of the incident can attest, those shoes were coming in with some serious velocity, and pretty much on target. Anyone who can throw a shoe like that can probably throw a baseball, too.

Of course, he may be in jail for a few years. And who knows how good his velocity or accuracy will be after a few sessions of “enhanced interrogation techniques” in some hellhole? But it’s worth a shot.

On the other side of that exchange, I think that Foxsports.com’s Mark Kriegel probably wasn’t the only person wondering whether Oscar de la Hoya might’ve had a better chance against “Pacman” Pacquiao if he could’ve slipped a few punches the way 60-plus Dubya dodged those shoes.

I have no clue whether Turner Gill is or is not ready to take center stage as the head coach at a high-profile D-1 football program — like, say, Auburn, which didn’t even bother interviewing him. I DO know that he’s done everything he’s supposed to have done since he took over a Buffalo program that ranked in the bottom few in D-1, and improved the record every year until, this year, his team went 8-5, won the MAC championship and was invited to a bowl game. Not the greatest record, maybe, but it looks pretty OK next to that of, say, Gene Chizik, who actually DID get the gig — he of the flashy 5-19 record at Iowa State, including 2-10 this year, with the only two wins coming against North Dakota State and Kent State. Of course, Buffalo lost to Kent State, so maybe that was the deciding factor.

I’m not 100% certain that the reason Chizik got the job, and that Gill wasn’t even considered, is that, as Sir Charles said, the former is Caucasian and the latter isn’t — but I’m pretty sure. The only reason my certainty isn’t 100%, is that Auburn in particular really, really likes coaches who come from the “Auburn family,” and Chizik was after all the defensive coordinator of the 13-0 team and a couple of other good teams — teams that, I believe, never lost to ‘Bama.

It’s not a trivial issue. I thought Terry Bowden did a pretty decent job as the Tigers’ head coach when he took over a program devastated by NCAA sanctions and not-bowl-eligible in 1993. All he did was go 11-0 that season, and then run the undefeated games string to 20-0-1, which remains the longest undefeated streak in Auburn’s history. He won 2 bowl games after the team became bowl-eligible, and lost one. Although I can’t really argue with his firing when his team started 1-5 in 1998 (after having gone 10-3 the previous season), talk was that he was always on a short leash, and resented by rabid Auburn boosters because he was an “outsider.” This, despite the success he had with a program so toxic no one wanted to touch it.

But at the end of the day, I don’t see how race couldn’t have factored into the process. Sure, success as a head coach in the MAC — especially 8-5 success — doesn’t necessarily translate to success at a big-time program; but surely FAILURE of monumental proportions as head coach in one of the top conferences, like the Big 12, DOES translate to lowered expectations at the next job.

Will this be a banner year for NBA head coach firings? Reggie Theus became the sixth one let go this season, after Sacramento decided to “go in a different direction.” I don’t think Theus was the greatest coach in the league, but he showed last year that he had some ability. The problem with Sacramento, as with a number of teams that have axed their coaches this season, is either that they have mediocre players, period, or that they have some players with talent, but there’s been no real thought to putting together a roster that makes sense, or that jibes with a coach’s own style and, dare I say it?, “philosophy.”

Injuries are never an excuse, I guess, but it sure didn’t help Theus that the best player on his roster, Guard Kevin Martin, has been sidelined by injury for much of the season; just as it didn’t help Eddie Jordan that Gilbert Arenas still hasn’t played, and that Brendan Haywood has been out for a long spell. Of course, it also hasn’t helped Jerry Sloan that he doesn’t have Carlos Boozer and that the Jazz were missing Deron Williams for a lot of games, or Gregg Popovich that every significant starter other than Tim Duncan has missed a lot of games. The difference is that those two great coaches have job security, while more junior members of the fraternity are only as secure as their past ten games.

Don’t even get me started on the Raptors and Sam Mitchell. It’s probably unfortunate for the Raptors that Mitchell won Coach of the Year and couldn’t be fired after Colangelo, Jr., came on board, because word on the street was that Colangelo was just itching to fire Mitchell last year, so he could bring in Mike D’Antoni this season. Since the Knicks are playing surprisingly well under D’Antoni so far, maybe that would have been a successful hire. But, D’Antoni or no D’Antoni, who’s going to win consistently with wasted draft picks like Andrea Bargnani, who apparently was required by immigration laws to leave his testicles in escrow back in Europe?

I mean, I love Chris Bosh, but he’s not that strong, and given his slim body frame, last summer’s Olympics probably took a bigger toll on him than on some of his Team USA teammates. Unfortunately, he has to play a lot of center because, who the heck else do they have? I do get frustrated with Andrew Bynum from time to time, even though I realize he’s still a young whelp, but has anyone seen just how pathetically Jermaine O’Neal, for whom AB came within a whisker of being traded, has performed in the post for the Raptors? Thank God Mitch Kupcake didn’t listen to Kobe’s whining and pull the trigger on that deal — and thank God that Larry Bird, for reasons not entirely clear, overvalued J.O. so ridiculously.

I also love Jose Calderon, and, sometimes, Jorge Garbajosa. But one look at the rest of the roster young Colangelo has put together, and it’s a wonder that Mitchell managed even to keep the team’s record respectable while he was there.

Getting back to coaches and their firings, though, it does seem that a common thread isn’t just that the coaches weren’t winning, but that they were getting paid a lot of Benjamins for not winning. Nobody comes to a game to watch a coach prance around on the sidelines, and I’m guessing that some of the thinking was that the teams that fired those coaches can lose just as well with guys on the sidelines getting paid a third or less of what the firees were making for filling out those Armani and Zegna suits.

The theory for years has been that no player’s going to respect a coach earning less than the last player on the bench. But as it turns out, a lot of players don’t even respect coaches making $10 million a season. Why waste the money if the coach can’t get the job done? Baseball’s already realized this, which is why, with only a few exceptions like Tony LaRussa and Joe Torre, baseball managers don’t get paid like their NBA or NFL counterparts.

What is with Francisco Rodriguez? No sooner does he get a munificent multi-year contract from the Mets, than he thinks the way to earn it is to start mouthing off like a New Yorker. Instead of being appreciative of the Angels for giving him the opportunity to eventually become a multi-decamillionaire, he insisted on burning his L.A. bridges on the way out. The model for that, in my opinion, was David Eckstein, the feisty little former Angels’ shortstop, who told the press that he was actually grateful to the Angels, even though they wouldn’t pay him what he wanted, because he wouldn’t be a Major Leaguer, or a millionaire, had they not given him a chance and nurtured him along. No bridges burned there. Not K-Rod’s style, though.

Then, instead of uttering the usual platitudes about how he wants to fit in and help the Mets to the postseason, he brashly guarantees that they’re now the “team to beat” — in a division that, just by the way, contains the team that just won the World Series. I sense that K-Rod is starting to write checks with his mouth that his ass won’t be able to cash, as they say on the street.

First, no matter what personnel they assemble, the Mets always seem to find some way to choke at the end of the season. And, second, well, just how much better are they with K-Rod (and, to be fair, J.J. Putz and Sean Green)? My gut feeling is, not a whole heckuva lot, actually, since they’ve also lost some setup guys who could really eat up innings, as well as Billy Wagner, who was infuriating and blew a bunch of save opportunities (7 of 34 last season), but was still another live arm. So, while K-Rod is probably going to be a welcome addition to the Mets’ bullpen — and he’d better be, for that kind of money — I’m pretty sure the Mets will find some other way to finish next season the way they finished the last one — playing golf. And, just for perspective, K-Rod’s record-setting 62 saves came in 69 save opportunities, which means that he blew as many opportunities as the much-maligned Wagner last season, albeit in a lot more appearances.

Although the polls haven’t yet closed, is there any question — at least so far — that the Nuggets got the better of the Billups for AI swap? On a one-to-one basis, at any rate. The fact that Detroit sent Antonio McDyess to Denver as part of that trade, then got McDyess back for cheap after Denver bought him out, certainly goes into the plus column for the Pistons. But Billups has certainly done a lot more to help the Nuggets, who’re currently 16-4 since the trade, than AI’s done for Detroit.

I understand that Detroit (allegedly) traded for AI because of some belief that their playoff losses the past couple of years have been because of a lack of offensive explosiveness and a dearth of players who can create their own shots, and that trades have to be judged after the season, not during it. But the way Denver was going, it wouldn’t even have been a playoff contender with AI instead of Billups, while Detroit may find that, because of AI, they face much tougher opposition in the first couple of rounds as a 6th or 7th seed, than they’ve been used to as a 2nd or 3rd seed.

It’s amazing enough that three teams in the NBA this year are still playing .800 ball or better. What’s even more incredible is that one of those three is Cleveland. They were crap last year, even though, let’s admit it, they played the Celtics a lot tougher than the Lakers did. That’s because, although they had no offensive flow or élan whatsoever, they always played hard-nosed, swarming defense that kept scores low and gave them chances to win in the playoffs. The obvious difference this year is that they’ve improved by leaps and bounds offensively, while still taking care of business on defense.

I could be catty and claim that their record reflects the fact that they haven’t played many good teams, and have lost to those they’ve faced. But the same applies to the Lakers. A 20-4 record is a 20-4 record. And, unlike the Lakers, they’re not letting the stumblebum teams stay in games.

But look at the Cavs’ roster. Not only is it largely the same as the one they closed last season with, but some key players have only gotten older and slower. Ben Wallace was already in decline last season. He’s not any better this year. Wally Mxsptlk is still a conscienceless shooter who’s slow and plays no D, except that now he’s even slower. Delonte West is back after a useless half-season with the Sonics, but his stats aren’t any better now than they were the first time he was with the Cavs.

Nope, seems to me there are only two reasons for this incredible advance. The first is that LeBron James is, in fact, playing at a higher level since his return from the Olympics. He was already near-MVP good offensively, but he’s better all-around now. True, his points, rebounds and assists per game are all down, but his field goal percentage is up (even as his three-point average descends to a number that challenges the latest Federal Reserve rate) and his free-throw percentage is above .800 for the first time in forever. He’s also playing 5 fewer minutes per game.

The biggest change is in his defense, though. He’s not taking possessions off on the defensive end. In fact, he’s not just playing hard, but doing it against the opposition’s best players. Whether he can keep this up all season and through the playoffs remains to be seen, but so far, he’s been the real deal.

Even that shouldn’t be enough to explain the Cavs’ current record. The only other explanation I can find is that they added Guard Mo Williams in the offseason. Williams actually had better numbers when he was with Milwaukee, but then again, he wasn’t playing in many games that meant anything. He’s made a huge difference to the Cavs’ overall offensive flow. He’s no Chris Paul, but apparently he’s more than good enough for the situation he’s in — especially given that the other point guard is Eric Snow, who was OK 30 pounds ago, but is now twice the man, and half the player, that he used to be. If Snow is within 15 pounds of his listed weight of 205, I’ll eat a few slices of pizza, the way Hot Plate Williams used to do on the Clippers’ bench during games.

Speaking of point guards, I really, really believe that Chicago super-rookie Derrick Rose cut his left forearm so badly that he needed 10 stitches while eating an apple. His story, spoken with an ingenuous, straight face, is that he was using a kitchen knife to cut an apple that he was eating in bed, got up to get a drink of water, and flopped down on the bed, forgetting he’d left the knife there. Yep, sure. Ranks right up there with Wade Boggs’s pulling a muscle in his back while putting on cowboy boots; Jeff Kent’s separating a shoulder due to a fall from his RV while washing it; or Latrell Sprewell breaking his hand tripping and falling off his (now repossessed) yacht). The one thing all those explanations have in common is that they were all BS.

Please. It’s like a woman claiming she got pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. I guess that’s possible, as long as there’s another human being of the opposite sex between the women and the toilet seat. Personally, I don’t care what Rose did to get the injury. I do, though, care a great deal that athletes think everyone’s as dumb and gullible as they are.

I say this, mind you, knowing that I’m a total klutz, and that I absolutely could throw out my back putting on or taking off a pair of boots, or cut myself shaving — with an electric shaver. But those guys are superior athletes. No way things like that happen to them.

Please send comments and criticism — especially criticism — to thonglaw@sprynet.com, where it will be dealt with appropriately.